I need ritual.

A cleansing ritual, a refreshment ritual, a ritual to let things go, a ritual to help me hold on. One for accepting that I want things I can't control, one for accepting things that are in my control. Maybe the same one, which helps me distinguish without prejudice between the two. A litany, a rosary, a talisman, a sign. A nonsensical superstition. Something to quiet the heat behind my eyes, and the resentment in my soul. Something to make the unbearable more bearable. Something to remind me of who I am, and what I want, and what I think, no matter what that is and no matter if it may change. I need signifiers that are tools, that are the handles to rules I follow and the relief and succour I can find in them. I need to acknowledge, and accept, what it would be now painful for me to give up, so that in running from it I don't wound others, and so I'm not so exhausted. I need to soften up, and for that I need to find the hard shells I've built and what I've built them to protect. Then I need to show myself that those things need no protecting, and will stay standing without my fear. I need to keep them all in easy reach, and draw what aid they offer when I want and need it. I need to be able to set them aside for any time, knowing without fear that they are there for me to take up again when I need.